Cruising For G-d On Auto Pilot

For several years after deciding to remain in my "comfort zone," I simply wandered about calling myself either Christian or Catholic depending on my mood. In my early 20's I think I finally decided that Catholism was much easier to follow what with its structured services, prayers, and the "simply sit there and listen" stylings. At least the language had become easier to understand since my early childhood. As a child I would sit in the pews wondering what in the world the Priest was trying to convey. You see, the Catholic services of old, even in the United States and in churches catoring to poor project families, were conducted in Latin! Latin! How many Chicano families in my neighborhood actually understood Latin? I would venture to say none, exactly. It was all we kids could do to master civilized English.

I have to admit that for a time in my young adult life, during periods of desparation and great self-doubt, I bought into the notion of whispering promises to ceramic statues in return for great rewards. Today, the notion of "bargaining" with G-d for my own sake or gain seems so completely removed from my "wiring" that I can't imagine ever having believed it was appropriate to do such a thing.

Like most in the church, I was on auto pilot. Mechanically following along. Never questioning outwardly. But, oh on the inside: that was a different story. So many questions that were not to be uttered. So many doubts that could be considered Heretical. I dared not utter a word of it lest I be condemned to "the fires of hell for all eternity." Just the mere thought of this was enough to keep me referring to myself as "a believer." Of what exactly, I wasn't too sure, but damn it, I was a believer...